Trying to find yourself? There’s no one to find

The more you search for yourself, the more lost you'll feel

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Hey there,

I hope your week has been reflective.

Today, I'd like to talk about a common struggle many of us face in modern society—the search for self-identity.

At some point, we all ask the big question:

"Who am I?"

We search for ourselves in books, personality tests, career paths, relationships, and life experiences. We think that if we just explore enough, reflect enough, or achieve enough, we’ll finally discover our true self. Like a buried treasure waiting to be found.

But here’s the problem:

The more you try to “find yourself,” the more lost you become.

Think about it. If you were something fixed and definite (like a missing key) wouldn’t you have found yourself by now?

So, why do you still feel uncertain?

Well, because there's no single, permanent "you" to find.

(And that’s actually a good thing.)

Most people believe that their “true self” is something solid. Something waiting to be uncovered. But this idea is flawed for 3 reasons:

The self is not a fixed thing. It’s not like a hidden object you can dig up. It’s fluid, shifting, and shaped by experience.

You are constantly changing. The person you were 5 years ago is different from who you are today. And 5 years from now? You’ll be someone else again.

Searching creates frustration. The more you chase an identity, the more confused and dissatisfied you feel. Because you’re looking for something that doesn’t actually exist.

It’s like trying to hold onto water. The tighter you grip, the more it slips through your fingers.

I want to share an interesting idea with you:

You don’t need to “find yourself” because you were never lost.

Imagine a river. Does the river search for itself? Does it stop and ask, “What kind of river am I?” No. It simply flows. Changing shape as it moves.

And you are like that river.

Always in flow.
Always shifting.
Always becoming.

The moment you stop trying to define yourself, you become free to experience yourself.

But this raises an important question: how can we stop searching and start living?

There are many answers and perspectives on this. And it’s up to you to decide what works best for you. However, I want to share some Daoist ideas to help you get started:

Let go of the need for a fixed identity.

We love labels:

“I’m an introvert.”
“I’m a creative person.”
“I’m not good at relationships.”

But what happens when you outgrow those labels? If you believe your identity is fixed, you’ll resist change. Even when it’s necessary.

Instead of clinging to a rigid idea of “who you are,” allow yourself to be fluid.

Sometimes you’ll be social, sometimes you won’t.
Sometimes you’ll feel confident, sometimes you won’t.
Sometimes you’ll know exactly what you want, sometimes you won’t.

And that’s okay.

You’re not a thing. You’re a process. A constant unfolding.

Follow what feels alive, not what “defines” you.

Instead of searching for a fixed identity, pay attention to what excites you, moves you, and makes you feel alive.

If something no longer fits, let it go.
If something fascinates you, explore it.
If life invites you in a new direction, follow it. Even if it doesn’t match your old idea of “who you are.”

The best version of you isn’t something you find. It’s something you create moment by moment.

Trust the flow of life.

Imagine you’re floating down a river. If you fight against the water, trying to control where it takes you, you’ll only exhaust yourself. But if you relax and trust the current, you’ll move effortlessly.

Life works the same way.

You don’t need to have it all figured out.
You don’t have to “become” something specific.
You don’t have to force an identity onto yourself.

Simply respond to life as it unfolds.

When you stop resisting, life takes you exactly where you need to go.

The idea that you need to “find yourself” is an illusion. You are not a fixed thing waiting to be discovered. You are a river, always flowing.

Instead of searching for yourself, live fully.
Instead of defining yourself, experience life.
Instead of chasing an identity, embrace the freedom of being whoever you are, right now.

You’re not something to find.

You’re something to become.

And the best part?

There’s no wrong way to be you.

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Weekly Reflection

What is one fixed label or identity I have placed on myself that I no longer resonate with?

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🍵 Thank you for reading!

Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts with you! I hope they bring you a moment of reflection and a touch of peace.

Until next time, be yourself.

– Zhenya

P.S. If you're new here, it's nice to meet you! I invite you to check out the past editions to get a sense of what my Teacup is all about.

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🌊 Where can you flow next?

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